The post below was written on March 7, 2006 during the middle of a restless night. It has been sitting in my laptop since then and I feel it is due time I share it.
I sit here in my bed tossing and turning with hundreds of thoughts passing through my mind. This has been the case for a little over three months. I have been meaning to write down my feelings for a while now, but every attempt in front of a computer led me to find new ways of distracting myself. Either that or my fingers would simply never find the right keys to press in order to express my thoughts. I don’t know if I will be able to express my true feelings now, but I guess I will try.
I had no idea where to start, but I figured from the beginning is always a good choice. So, on November 27th, my dear older brother Eddie passed away. About three days later I had an amazingly vivid dream:
I find myself in a club with an approaching hurricane/storm/tornado/end of the world situation. Everyone in the club is freaking out with no ideas on what to do. I find myself attempting to run and hide under various booths, tables, chairs, anything that would conceal me. Talks of cannibalization arise and I know I will be one of the first victims. I begin to fear for my life and I realize this dream is starting to become a nightmare…
Suddenly, the scenery changes and I am in the passenger seat of my brother Eddie’s Volkswagen Jetta. The driver is Eddie, dressed in a white T-shirt and blue jeans, wearing his newest pair of Armani glasses he was buried with. He begins to drive out of his garage onto Commonwealth Avenue. I begin to think selfishly about how I will need to return his digital camera and end up buying my own. However, I quickly get ecstatic about seeing and being with Eddie again, that I instantly relinquish my selfish thoughts.
We drive through a short tunnel that brings us to this amazingly vibrant, peaceful, and clear green hilly pasture. It is truly clear, the crystal clearest dream I have ever had. We are heading to pick apples or something. Eddie begins to drive faster and faster and I can feel the force caused by the acceleration pressing up against my chest. I turn to him and say, “woah, not so fast Eddie”. He slows down and turns to me with a smirk, as if to jokingly tell me not to be such a wuss. I quickly put on my seat belt and I tell him that it would be okay to drive as fast as he can now. We pass up an unrecognizable (due to the speed we are going) gentleman in what I believe is in a black suit.
I am in ignorant bliss and I turn to Eddie to tell him “I hope this isn’t a dream.” Eddie turns to face me with slightly quivering lips and a discouraging look. The look that expressed, “what am I going to do now?”
The scenery changes to a pitch black background with Eddie and I as the only two visible objects. I cross my forearms atop of each other and my fists clenched, bracing myself for the truth. Eddie grabs hold of my hands and says to me, “Just forget about me, and be careful.”
I awaken with my arms crossed as they were in my dream along with great warmth upon my hands. I lift myself up by simply bending at the waist, while my legs lay dormant in front of me. I call out to my oldest brother Danny who is asleep on the couch in front of me, so that I can relay my dream to him.
The actions and words of this particular dream may not seem very significant, but this was the most vivid dream I have ever had. My cousin and my oldest brother both had dreams involving Eddie, with him wearing exactly the same thing, but not knowing each other had dreamt about it until later. Ultimately, all of our dreams tell us that Eddie is okay and specifically for me, he doesn’t want to me to worry myself about his passing and wants me to take care of myself.