A Tribute to Nealann J Skari

Dear nealann,  Well Zander is with you now. He died friday afternoon, the vet thinks he had a heart attack. Take care of him please. I miss you both more than I can ever say. I'm doing good though, going to AA again, have a sponser, he reminds me of j. I know I should have done it long ago, I'm there now. I love you sis. keri

 

Dear nealann,

    Hi dearest. I miss you so much!!! It's getting less like a festering wound and more like a hole in my heart. A couple of your friends asked to be able to write on the site. I'm so glad, I wanted this to be more than just my own private grief journal. J, and are are talking more, things seem to be better in that arena. That is a big relief. I didn't like being at odds with him

                                              Ilove you, keri

 

my dearest sister, i know now through sue that you are with me, and that you are happy. I miss you so very much. i'm doing okay, i'm doing good with my meds. there are just some things that bring me sadness. life is a never ending ride until it's over. i will love you always

Dear nealann, Thanksgiving was surprisingly nice, I had forgotten how many friends I have. Thank you for talking to my friend, it gave my great solice. I'm happy that you are with mom, and gram and ramm. And that is such a beautiful place. Now i just need for J to heal some, cause he really hurt me by not believing me. The bottom line though is that I am taking care of myself, I created alot of wreckage for you and M, and I guess by extension with J. I care that I never go back to those places. That I live my life in a fashion for which I can be proud; that I live the remainder of my life based on spiritual principles and that maybe then I can again gain the trust of M, and the respect of J. that is what I care about. I love you so much, and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

 

Dear nealann, So much of the time I just can't believe your gone! It's been three weeks already, three very slow tortorted weeks. Some days are good, those are the days I only cry once or twice, others I can't seem to stop. I've finally been able to separate out the sadness I feel because of M's anger, and the betrayal I felt because of D. so Now When I cry I at least know why. I've been going to meetings, well to be honest three, but I'm going to keep going to the NA meeting and I think I'll try the eight pm AA meeting. I need a sponser and some guys at the last meeting said I could find on at the AA Meeting. I'm writting a fourth step. I am so sorry that I kikn't do this so that you would know I'm doing better. I guess when the shit hits the fan like it has for me, it really hits. I love you and miss you so much. J said he was sure you got my last message, so the last words you heard my say was that I loved you more than anything.

 

I'm tring very hard to make some changes deal with my addiction and my need to take pain medication. It's hard I've been calling all these treatment centers  that work with addicts who have chronic pain. I fucked up so bad for so many years. I lost everything i every learned  in NA and AA. I did horrible things and I treated M in ways you don't treat your beloved. I wish you  were here to bounce some of this stuff off of. I'm going to meetings, working the steps, doing my practice, exercising, writing and I'm questioning everything. But Like my pain is horrid right now and I'm not due for my next pill for awhile, I don't know if I should ask for something for breakthrough or not, I don't know if the pain when I breath is pulmonary fibrosis or compression fracture in my T-spine. Ane I don't know if it's even okay to think or wonder about this stuff. M is so angry with me and doesn't trust me so I can't talk to her. God I miss talking to you. I miss knowing that you were a phone call away. I love you so much.

Nealann and her husband came to Goldendale and brought crab. When we were growing up our step-father always ate lutafisk Christmas eve so mom  would serve crab  in order to get Nealann and I to the table. Last year she and her husband were on the way to Nevada and stopped here.my partner and I brought salad and fresh baked rolls over and we had a GREAT dinner. I think it was the best Christmas I've had since our mom died twenty-one years ago.