Consoling A Parent After Losing A Child
When Eddie passed away, it created a huge shift in my world. There is no possibility of it returning to its original state, but as the years passed, a new form of normalcy has emerged. The same goes for my remaining surviving family members, especially my mom.
As the days and weeks passed, people would ask me how I was doing. Ultimately, the best answer I could come up with was, "I'm doing… okay." They would then proceed to ask how my family was doing, which I could only say, "we're there for each other, but I'm most concerned about my mom." Eddie is my brother, but more importantly he is our mom's son. And I have no doubt losing a child is one of the toughest struggles any parent can face.
I want it known that my mom is the strongest woman I have ever met. Honestly, her life should be published into a book. I can only hope that I become half as strong as she has always been. Because of this it was a surreal experience for me to see her hurting so deeply and frequently.
Immediately after Eddie's passing, it seemed as though any incident or object would be able to ignite a memory of Eddie for her and cause her to cry. I would stand beside her, hold her, and tell her I understood how she was feeling. I did all this without shedding a tear. Though the pain in my heart was deep, I wasn't able to even force a tear drop. This tends to be my natural response in situations when others around me are hurting. I always feel the need to display a strong exterior. Overall, my presence helped to lessen my mom's pain, but I'm not sure if it was substantial.
On the other hand, I believe my oldest brother, Danny, was much better at consoling her than I was. Why's that? Well, he wouldn't only hold her and empathize, but he was able to display how much it was hurting him too. I think this really helped my mom because it helped her understand that she's truly not alone in the way she felt. Sharing of their thoughts and simply being open to being vulnerable with one another is powerful medicine. Another possibility is that seeing her son hurting probably kicked in some maternal instincts. This then caused a symbiotic relationship between the two, where both of them ended up helping each other out of this depressed state.
After my mom and brother finished pouring out their emotions to one another, there was a noticeable calmness in the air. Though, ever-so brief, it made life feel a little more bearable. Even for myself.
The deep sadness of losing Eddie still resurfaces every now and then, but through the years I think my family and I have learned to better help each other and cope. It has strengthened our bond and even taught us to be more tolerant/open-minded.
Though there is no sure-fire guide to consoling a parent after losing a child, I hope my experience can shed some light on how you as a family member, friend, or simply anyone who cares enough to help can approach a similar situation. And if you're the one facing a loss, I want you to understand that you're not alone. The best thing any of us can do is to survive for our loved ones who have passed and continually love the ones who are still with us.