How much I miss you

I'm tring very hard to make some changes deal with my addiction and my need to take pain medication. It's hard I've been calling all these treatment centers  that work with addicts who have chronic pain. I fucked up so bad for so many years. I lost everything i every learned  in NA and AA. I did horrible things and I treated M in ways you don't treat your beloved. I wish you  were here to bounce some of this stuff off of. I'm going to meetings, working the steps, doing my practice, exercising, writing and I'm questioning everything. But Like my pain is horrid right now and I'm not due for my next pill for awhile, I don't know if I should ask for something for breakthrough or not, I don't know if the pain when I breath is pulmonary fibrosis or compression fracture in my T-spine. Ane I don't know if it's even okay to think or wonder about this stuff. M is so angry with me and doesn't trust me so I can't talk to her. God I miss talking to you. I miss knowing that you were a phone call away. I love you so much.