A Tribute to Eddie K Au

Another Fourth of July has passed.  After each holiday, I can't help but reminisce about the previous Independence Days Eddie and I spent together.

One summer, about 20 years ago, Eddie and I received a bag of July 4th fireworks a couple of weeks early.  Eddie, always being an imaginative and impatient person, decided to play with fireworks (like these) before the Fourth, and came up with something himself.  He peeled apart each firecracker, poured about twenty firecrackers worth of powder on top of a piece of stuffing paper, and then wrapped it in the shape and size of a Hershey Kiss.

We called this new firecracker the "Volcano" because once you lit the top tip, it would start to spark and pop upwards.  It only lasted for about 10 seconds, but Zhen and I were impressed.  I think Eddie was hoping for something with more of a boom, but looking back at it now - thank goodness it didn't.

It was no surprise Eddie would become an engineer at some point in his life, since he always loved to take things apart and figure out how it worked.  This story reminds me about how he took apart a D battery once and learned that the black powder contained within them leaves carpets stained (even to this day), but I'll leave that for another post.

Eddie was always a natural success.  it wasn't merely his intellect that helped him through his endeavors, it was his sheer will.  He pushed through hard to learn anything new that came his way and interested him.  He's a great inspiration for me with all he'd been able to do and his ambition for wanting to do more.  I saw his sheer will in action while he was in the hosptial.  Each day, there was a moment where it would look as though he was struggling to overcome his illness.  Though it still hurts to think about about how much he had to endure, I am in aw of how he always gave it his all - even till the end.

During the visit when my mom and I went to visit Eddie in Boston for the first time he got admitted to in-patient care, I remember walking into Eddie's hospital room and sitting down in a chair next to his kraft-matic bed.  He was watching "The Deadliest Catch" on Discovery Channel and he just commented, "I like this show."  And my reply was "yeah, me too.  It's pretty cool."

This isn't some extremely significant memory, but I just wanted to log and share it.

It's hard to believe that April has come around again and that means Eddie's birthday is just around the corner.  I wish I were able to visit Eddie around this year again, but unfortunately I have other commitments at the moment.  I'm sure he understands, it's just difficult to cope with the idea he should be celebrating with his friends and me asking him what he wants for his birthday.

On occassion, when I asked him what he wanted, he would usually ask for an expensive gift.  I would tell him I couldn't afford it and he would reply, "don't worry about it, I'll just take cash and put it towards [it]". 

I just wrote about three paragraphs and accidentally pressed the back button and lost everything.  This situation kind of reinforces the purpose of my post though. 

I was discussing how difficult it is, at times, to write a post about Eddie.  Even though I love him very much and want to spread the word.  It came down to two reasons why it's difficult 1) I get caught up in the fond memories of him and don't want to break that joy of reminiscing to create a post or 2) the feeling of loss is sad enough to make me not want to do anything and posting a memory/journal entry/note about Eddie just seems too exhausting.

Even now, it's difficult to post.  It's more difficult knowing that I idiotically just pressed the back button on accident, but I push through it.  Why?  Because I realize if I don't then I am one step closer to allowing Eddie's existence be forgotten and I strongly believe that will be a shame.  Generations of my family after me should realize how great of a man Eddie is and I would like them to cherish him as much as I do.  And by posting my memories of him, I'm taking an extra step to explaining who Eddie is and allow him to live on longer than he was allowed.

I know it's not the same thing as having a real time conversation with your loved one, hearing their voice, anticipating their responses, or physically being able to hold them or them holding onto you, but this is the best we've got right now.  And we should reach for and use any tool that allows us to immortalize them.

Today is the Chinese/Lunar New Year.  I remember during the last couple of Chinese New Years with Eddie, he would opt to give me either half or all of his red envelope money.  I believe he did this for me because I had just graduated from college and he knew I wasn't making very much. 

This act of kindness may seem pretty typical of an older sibling, but it meant a lot when Eddie did it.  It's because as most family and friends knew, Eddie didn't simply give away his money recklessly.  It was either because he wanted to help that person or it was a smart investment. I would like to think Eddie thought of it as both for me.

Sun Nian Fi Lauk., Eddie.  You're always in our thoughts.

It's the third Christmas we're spending without Eddie.  Traditionally, Eddie would always fly back to Chicago from Boston to spend at least a week with us.  It's been a trying time (to say the least) to come to terms again with why Eddie had to be taken away from us.  And though it has been three years - it doesn't get any easier as most people would say.  However, I still know, no matter what, Eddie would want us to continue remembering him in our hearts during this holiday season and never give up on our pursuits - whatever that may be.

This Christmas, I wish for Eddie to be happy and proud of what we have all accomplished thus far. I also ask him to please continue watching over us, his loved ones, as he has been since the first day he left us.

Merry Christmas, Eddie!  We all love you eternally.

I met up with an old co-worker, whom I guess I can actually consider a friend now, for lunch this afternoon.  We hadn't seen each other for nearly 4 years now and it was time to catch up.  We talked about what kind of side projects we were working on nowadays and Warm Tribute came up.  I told him the reason I setup the site. As I was telling him about Eddie passing away, I couldn't help but hang my head a little and pause for a second.

I notice that I do that quite often whenever I first bring up Eddie's passing to anyone.  It's something involuntary and it's normal.  I guess I just find certain human behavior interesting, especially when I do it myself =).  And just to let you all know, it's not like from that point forward I'm depressed for the rest of the conversation, it's always just a second or two.

Do any of you have a weird quirk when you bring up the loss of your loved one?

Today, November 27th, 2008 marks the third anniversary of my brother Eddie's passing.  And of all days, it has to land on Thanksgiving.  As I realize more and more that this day is upon my family and I, I end up feeling emptier inside.  It's a slow sense of sorrow that engulfs me.  I don't feel the need to scream out of anger or weep out of sadness, but it's a day where I feel compelled to sit, think, and let the emptiness wash over me.

Writing in this journal seems to be helpful because it allows me to throw all the thoughts I'm having into an external media outside of my own mind.  I don't think what I'm writing is making much sense right now.  Regardless, it's helping.

The memories of the hospital as Eddie laid on his bed flashes through my mind, like one of those intense scenes in a medical show.  The only difference is that doctors weren't rushing to provide Eddie resesitation to regain life.  Instead Eddie was slowly allowed to pass away in peace with his family members around him.  I still remember placing my hand over his heart and said out loud, "I don't feel his heart beating" then looked over to the nurse who gave me the slow nod of confirmation that it was the end.

From that night and every single moment after that I live to continue making Eddie proud of me. I'm sure I will encounter pitfalls, but I know I will overcome them and get back on the path to succeeding in this goal.  I love you, Eddie.  Thank you for watching over me all my life.

You know, I think a good amount of people have a tendancy to be hesitant when they're about to create an online memorial or make a post simply because they don't know if this is the "best" method of immortalizing your loved one. 

I even second think my posts at times simply because the memories I have feel so personal and dear to me that I wouldn't want anyone else but Eddie and I to know about them.  And then I realize that that mentality is understandable and all, but ultimately, your memories will always be yours whether you share them with others or not.  When you do decide to share them though, I believe allows others to know your loved one (in my case, Eddie) in a different facet.  That's just another way of ensuring he gets immortalized forever.

Don't get me wrong, there certainly are memories I keep to myself or write a personal note to Eddie about.  However, the ones I do share, I believe in a way, can only help sustain Eddie's existence in our world.